Why don’t coping skills work for me?

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this…

They don’t work because you haven’t given them a chance to work.

Let’s be real: the majority of skills taught and facilitated by therapists are backed by evidence. They’re not random Pinterest self-care ideas, they’re practices rooted in research and years of clinical application. But in today’s fast-paced, instant-gratification, hedonic-treadmill world, we’ve grown impatient. We’ve forgotten that meaningful change requires time, repetition, and, honestly, discomfort.

When I teach a skill in session or share one on this blog, the goal is not for you to try it once and expect your problems to vanish. It’s not a magic trick. It’s a process. A practice. A long game. Using a skill means showing up for it regularly. It means pushing through the uncomfortable thoughts like, “This feels silly,” or “Why isn’t this working yet?” and choosing to stay committed anyway.

Let’s take deep breathing as an example.

In session, we might spend a full 15 minutes practicing a regulated breath pattern: inhale for 4 seconds, pause for 2, exhale for 7, pause for 2. Other times, due to time constraints, we might only do three rounds. But if you go home, try it once during an intense moment of dysregulation, and expect a total transformation… you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Coping skills need to be trained like muscles. You have to use them when you’re already regulated so that they become second nature. Then, practice them during mildly uncomfortable situations. Only after that foundation is built can you expect the skill to hold you during intense distress. Just like you wouldn’t run a marathon without training, you can’t expect a coping skill to carry you through your worst moments if you haven’t built up its strength.

Some skills will come more naturally. Others won’t resonate as much. And that’s okay! Therapy is not one-size-fits-all, and neither are coping strategies. My style as a therapist isn’t to assign homework or track progress with checklists unless that’s something you specifically ask for. That means it’s up to you to take ownership of your growth. The more effort you put in, the more benefit you’ll see. Period.

Here’s another important thing to keep in mind, coping skills are a starting point, not the whole journey. They’re incredibly useful tools for navigating distress, but they don’t always get to the root of your discomfort. Once you’ve developed some tools to manage difficult emotions, deeper work, like Internal Family Systems (IFS) or EMDR, can help address the origins of those patterns and bring about more profound healing.

So no, your coping skills aren’t broken. They just haven’t had a fair chance.

If you want to discuss this topic or any other aspects of therapy more, reach out below to learn more.